Saturday, December 11, 2010

From the Heart of a Struggling Girl, Walking by Faith

College. Growing up you heard of how fun and life changing this so called school/ freedom thing is, but you just never really heard of how tough times could be.

You lose people, you gain people. You lose authority, you gain freedom. It all sounds good until you constantly wonder if you are making the wrong or right decision. You come to a point in the road where you have to fully rely on God and cast your burdens and cares upon Him.

Giving Him your whole heart, soul, and mind is not the easiest thing to do during this time. You want to know where you will be next semester, what job you should go for, what major to choose, and even which church to attend. These things are even a step harder when you are alone. You hear all of these memories of how these wonderful people had such fun times and met so many amazing individuals during college, but they never mentioned what struggles they went through.

These last five months have been crucial to me. I can say that I have never fully understood what walking by faith meant until now, and yes my blog was created and named before that time. I have had so many ups and downs. I have to learn to rely fully on God.

I have came to times where I have had no words to pray. Times when people ask how I am doing and immediately tears start to run down my face. I know God is by my side. I know that He wipes my tears, hugs me, and can cure those hurts and loneliness better than anyone else, yet I still feel the loneliness and void. I struggle daily. I have had nights upon nights where I cannot sleep, tossing and turning, wide awake until wee hours in the morning.

I now understand what emotionally worn out means. I have came to times where I try to do homework and I cannot think. Litterally.

I wonder why I am where I am. Why does He want me in that place. Are there more things coming ahead for me here? Is He trying to teach me something through this? Why am I not there? Why did I have to lose that person? Is He trying to prepare me for something one day, through this? When will times get easier? When will I have relief? When will I be able to be joyful and happy at all hours of the day, as I was ten months ago? Why why why?

I don't know what I would do without three of my best friends(Megan, Jade, Alex), my mom, and even my mentor/Bible study leader(Erin). I can always count on them to listen to me. They have seen my emotions of a rollercoaster, not only these past five, but nine months. They know that I hate having to admit that I cannot do it on my own. They know I try to hide thing day in and day out, but they are always there for me and love me.

Through these hard times, I will still rely on Him even when I don't have the words to talk to Him. I will still long to be in His arms. I will still love Him. I will still follow Him.

"But I’ll take the hand of those who don’t know the way, who can’t see where they’re going. I’ll be a personal guide to them, directing them through unknown country. I’ll be right there to show them what roads to take, make sure they don’t fall into the ditch. These are the things I’ll be doing for them— sticking with them, not leaving them for a minute.” Isaiah 42:16 MSG

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